17 Sure-Fire Treatments for Strep Throat

Published on Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Each of these remedies offer a 99% guarantee that your strep throat will be gone within 5-7 days.

  1. Take three organic baby carrots and slice them in half long-wise using a carbon steel paring knife. Chew each half 50 times before swallowing. DO NOT SWALLOW THE LAST PIECE. Spit it out and grind it into the ground with your left buttock. This is particularly important as it replenishes your earth intonations.
  2. Place two wire curry brushes on the floor face up. Stand on the brushes for seven minutes while slowly humming random pitches covering your full vocal range. Be sure to slide between the pitches. Do this three times a day until symptoms abate or your feet hurt too much to continue.
  3. Strep throat can make your throat more reddish, be sure to counter this by eating lots of green foods.
  4. Strep throat can make your throat more reddish, be sure to eat foods that are reddish in color. The closer the match, the better.
  5. Sleep with your head pointing to the east. In fact you should have been doing this all along--not doing it is probably why you got strep in the first place. If you had already been sleeping with your head pointing east, you have a pre-existing critical imbalance in your gloaming carriage.
  6. Crystals.
  7. Clamp hemostats to both ear lobes until you no longer notice the pain in your throat. Do this until your eyes water. Repeat at least twice daily until the symptoms abate. Take ibuprofen or other analgesic for pain.
  8. Your energy field has become replexed. You should see a licensed retrologist to be thoroughly flummoxed. Continue treatments for at least six years after the initial cure to prevent recurrence.
  9. Spit into a sanitized, one quart, glass jar of pure distilled water. Seal and shake vigorously forty times up and down, then forty times side to side. While lying on your back, place the full jar on your belly for 30 minutes without letting it tip over. Empty the jar and sanitize by boiling in water for 20 minutes. Repeat daily until symptoms abate. Do not take internally!
  10. Streptococcus pyogenes is just an invention of the microscope industry or "Big Microscope". Trust the combined 9,000 years of traditional European, Chinese, and Ayurvedic medicine: strep throat is actually a bilious humor disrupting the flow of chi between your third and fourth chakras.  Take an enema once daily.
  11. Shape a hollow-bottomed cone out of a corrugated cardboard (must be corrugated) that is big enough to fit snuggly on your head. Line the interior with aluminum foil. Wear the cone on your head as much as you possibly can. Make absolute sure that no light can enter through the top of the cone! This directs the heavenly signals into your head. The aluminum foil magnifies the energy.
  12. Take three unbleached recycled-paper napkins, two whole lemons and one large jalapeño pepper. Place them in a food processor with one cup water. Blend until smooth. Do not take internally.
  13. I knew someone who once had strep throat (or was it measles?) he walked backward for 3 hours each day. He either got better or he died. I can't remember. Do this until symptoms abate or you die which ever occurs first.
  14. The germ theory of disease is only a theory. Teach the controversy!
  15. Take five minutes every 3 waking hours to visualize sphagnum angustifolium. Limit to no more than 9 visualizations a day.
  16. Make peppermint tea with clover honey. Smell the drink until it cools. Do not take internally. (The combination of the trefoil shape of the clover leaf with the vital frequency of peppermint are too powerful when your throat vibrations are disrupted).
  17. Seventeen is a prime number and is, incidentally, the numerological value of strep throat. Calculate the cubed root of 17 in your head. Symptoms should clear up either by the time you find the correct answer or shortly thereafter.

Whatever of the above treatments you may choose (combined with plenty of fluids and lots of rest), be sure to swear by it as the best treatment for strep throat. Swearing by something confidently makes it real. If the strep throat continues after 5-7 days you probably did not start the treatment in time. In very rare cases strep throat can lead to severe complications. While biomedicine only has empirical evidence to support its claims, it may be necessary to seek help from a doctor of evidence-based medicine. Taking an antibiotic to assist the body in combatting the infection is usually successful. Be aware, however, that antibiotics give off an Aquarian aura. Depending on the phase of the moon, this could be very dangerous to your quaternary vibratron!