A review: Shogun, By James Clavell

Excuse me so much, but John Blackthorne is large in his endowment. So sorry.
I beg your pardon, sir, but there is much discussion of pillowing. So sorry. 
I very much ask your forgiveness, but everyone wants to commit Sepuku, it would be a matter of honor.
So sorry, but I am going to elaborate extensively on historical facts in casual conversation. All day.
It is honto, so sorry.

Star Trek: The Paradise Syndrome

A white woman dressed as a Native American next to Captain Kirk.

7 PM Friday, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy, and Spock beam down in Northern California. They need to deflect an asteroid or something. Dr. McCoy continues to shout during even normal conversation. Kirk is murdered by peaceful natives, who do not appear to have command of their own language. A Federation inquest determines that sending the most valuable members of the command crew on away teams is a very bad idea. Will Kirk be killed more?

Star Trek TNG: Justice

The crew of the Enterprise arrives on a planet occupied by very blond, white Clairol models. They love having sex and jogging, but if you step on their hostas, you will be put to death. Wesley steps on the hostas. Oh, and a being that the Clairol models call God gets involved. 

When diet and exercise aren't enough...

I think this is of the most cruelly deceptive phrases in modern advertising. Firstly, no one wants to change their diet. Secondly, exercise takes time and effort and, at least at first, is quite unpleasant. Taking a pill is ridiculously easy to do.  So essentially this advertising phrase applies to everyone with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, metabolic syndrome, adult-onset diabetes or other "lifestyle-related" diseases for which there are profitable pharmaceuticals (or "alternative" treatments, for that matter). It should really be "when diet and exercise don't seem appealing...".

Suggestions to Microsoft for Windows 8

(I originally posted this on Facebook for Windows 7, same rules apply) Microsoft is preparing to release their next version of Windows Operating system this fall. Given the insufficient number of versions available for Windows Vista, I thought I might make some suggestions for more configurations. Everyone loves choice, so we should have more choices! This is partly inspired by the new Windows Basic edition which will purportedly restrict the number of apps one can run to 6 or something.

Okay Okay, I can't help it: A pure capitalist solution to the insurance mandate

I recently heard Missouri voters rejected the insurance mandate in the new federal health care act. Perhaps the mandate is unconstitutional, but if that is the case, the right-leaning Supreme Court will overturn it. This got me to thinking however, maybe libertarianism might be the solution after all, we'd just need to make some adjustments to some of our cultural values. 

So here goes: 

Gluten Free for the Holidays

When people first think of gluten-free foods they think of dishes that would have gluten-based grain, but have had it substituted with epoxy or gypsum. Or they think of rice porridge with a raisin (maybe two). Or perhaps they think of some exotic dish that makes you choke because it is made of puree of okra with xanthan gum, adzuki beans and durian wrapped in oak leaves. (And stored under the deck for 3 weeks in August). Served on a nest of undercooked quinoa.

Star Trek: And the Children Shall Lead

A boy with many freckles talks to a shorter girl with blond hair

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

The late King Hamlet of Denmark has mind control over children from United Colors of Benetton. The oldest boy is Tommy, who has many freckles. Kirk, who isn’t dead after all, discovers that Tommy has a lot of freckles. Really, it’s like his face is orange. You’ve got to see this kid. Anyway the kids are all orphans because Hamlet, Sr. caused their parents to kill themselves from generalized anxiety disorder.  The children are some of the best actors in the series. Tommy has freckles.

Freedom from Responsibility

A recent letter to the editor in the Pioneer Press decried the proposed seatbelt law in Minnesota that would allow police to ticket someone solely on the grounds of not wearing a seatbelt as a grave assault on our liberty. The problem with this "freedom from restraint" is it doesn't take into account the responsibilities that come with freedom. 

No side effects—no effects!

I saw a box of tablets at the coop check-out the other day. The "active ingredient" was at a level less than the equivalent of one molecule in Lake Superior. The box proudly proclaimed: "no side effects!" How amazing! A drug that treats exactly and only the ailment for which it was indicated. This means there is a drug out there that is more effective than the immune system itself.  When you have a cold much of the drowsy, low energy feeling you get is due to your immune system combatting the illness. The virus does not cause that feeling itself, your immune system does.

Star Trek: Bread and Circuses

Spock and McCoy standing in a jail cell

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy and Spock land on a planet almost identical to the Earth, save for the Roman Empire remained in power into the 20th century. Will the sexual tension between McCoy and Spock finally be resolved? Will there be an awkward reference to Christianity? Tune in to find out!

Star Trek: Return to Tomorrow

Captain Kirk and Dr. Mulhall  begin to embrace.

Brilliant, but bodyless beings speak as through reverb. They take over the bodies of Kirk, Spock, and Dr. Ann Mulhall. Will Kirk and Ann kiss? Will the reverb continue throughout the show? Will the captain be murdered? Can disembodied minds survive in human bodies without kissing. Specifically the bodies of Kirk and Mulhall? Will we learn of the theatrical notion of Deus ex machina? Tune in on Friday at 7 PM, Channel 5

A proposal for how to say the word "primer"

English has stupid spelling rules. I say this as someone who has never had much trouble with spelling. What would be nice is if we made sure to honor those words that actually follow the basic rules. The most glaring example is primer. In the United States we prefer to say PRIM-mer. Perhaps this is the result of American feelings of inadequacy at being a rough and wild outpost of the British Empire some 200 years ago, so we thought PRIM-mer sounded more erudite. Well, despite their frequent mutilation of the language (i.e.

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