So I have come across an interesting word in English: "Shark." All the (highly reputable) etymological resources I have available to me say that the origin is unknown. Perhaps this isn’t such a mystery as they would claim. As sharks are not common in the North Sea or waters around the UK, the first recorded use of the word “shark” in English was that of adventurer John Hawkins displaying the carcass of one in London in 1565 after his journey to South America. Interestingly, the secondary meaning of the word, to indicate a swindler, appears in print as early as 1599.

English has stupid spelling rules. I say this as someone who has never had much trouble with spelling. What would be nice is if we made sure to honor those words that actually follow the basic rules. The most glaring example is primer. In the United States we prefer to say PRIM-mer. Perhaps this is the result of American feelings of inadequacy at being a rough and wild outpost of the British Empire some 200 years ago, so we thought PRIM-mer sounded more erudite. Well, despite their frequent mutilation of the language (i.e.

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

Kirk, Uhura, and Chekov are kidnapped into slavery by multicolored disembodied brains who like to gamble on gadiatorial games. A creepy fellow who has a built-in reverb speaks instructions from the brains in stilted English. Kirk proves to the brains that they have confused humans with chimpanzees. Kirk kisses a silver bikini-clad slave woman.

Each of these remedies offer a 99% guarantee that your strep throat will be gone within 5-7 days.

I saw a box of tablets at the coop check-out the other day. The "active ingredient" was at a level less than the equivalent of one molecule in Lake Superior. The box proudly proclaimed: "no side effects!" How amazing! A drug that treats exactly and only the ailment for which it was indicated. This means there is a drug out there that is more effective than the immune system itself.  When you have a cold much of the drowsy, low energy feeling you get is due to your immune system combatting the illness. The virus does not cause that feeling itself, your immune system does.

Yes. Thai food is healthy for you. It has all the flavonoids, antoxidants, and prevents The Cancer. It is the best for you to eat. It replenishes your vital bodily fluids and improves the purity of your esssence.  

A recent letter to the editor in the Pioneer Press decried the proposed seatbelt law in Minnesota that would allow police to ticket someone solely on the grounds of not wearing a seatbelt as a grave assault on our liberty. The problem with this "freedom from restraint" is it doesn't take into account the responsibilities that come with freedom. 

7 PM Friday, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy, and Spock beam down in Northern California. They need to deflect an asteroid or something. Dr. McCoy continues to shout during even normal conversation. Kirk is murdered by peaceful natives, who do not appear to have command of their own language. A Federation inquest determines that sending the most valuable members of the command crew on away teams is a very bad idea. Will Kirk be killed more?

Oh, it seemed so clever, but as soon as I got my computer up and running, the thought fell right out of my head. So here's the query: do you know what it was?

Take the first and last names of two famous football players. Swap the second letter of each player's first and last name (i.e. Joe Namath would become Jae Nomath). Then swap the last letter of each player's first and last names with the last letter of the other player's first and last name. Now take the latin species name of a common songbird of the north eastern US. Add the middle three letters of the bird's species name to the last names of the football players. You should have a total of four words in two pairs. Select one of the name pairs and drop the other.

To the editors, Hogwarts Today Alumni Magazine I am surprised at the indignation going around about how students from Slitherin managed to "break into" Ravenclaw without having someone tell them the answer to the Ravenclaw riddle ("Dark Magic in Ravenclaw, Slitherin students fess up" Daily Prophet, 19 September 2011). 

Friday, 7PM, Channel 5

Klingons have introduced flintlock rifles to the peaceful humanoids of Neural, most of whom wear ridiculous wigs. Kirk battles a giant plush toy with poison fangs. A sexy woman seduces Kirk with herbs. Will Spock recover from a pierced liver?

The crew of the Enterprise arrives on a planet occupied by very blond, white Clairol models. They love having sex and jogging, but if you step on their hostas, you will be put to death. Wesley steps on the hostas. Oh, and a being that the Clairol models call God gets involved.