Star Trek

The crew of the Enterprise arrives on a planet occupied by very blond, white Clairol models. They love having sex and jogging, but if you step on their hostas, you will be put to death. Wesley steps on the hostas. Oh, and a being that the Clairol models call God gets involved. 

Per the United Federation of Planet's Starfleet Quartermaster Report 2369.623 new uniforms for crew will be issued over the next 6 Earth months and destributed to all star bases for retrieval for starships on mission. Starships will retrieve the new uniforms during the regular resupply schedule. The uniforms, in conforming with the styles for crew identifying as female, standard work uniforms for men shall be short shorts with the following dimensions:

Federation outpost Cestus III has been destroyed. Kirk, Bones, McCoy and three other guys of no consequence beam down on the planet. Spock identifies cold-blooded life forms. Kirk and Spock use blue bocce balls as improvised grenades. A lone survivor, covered in silly putty, relates the story of the attack on the outpost. Has the Enterprise been drawn into a trap? This episode explores deep questions such as What makes humans unique? What is the Gorn? What can't latext do?

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

The late King Hamlet of Denmark has mind control over children from United Colors of Benetton. The oldest boy is Tommy, who has many freckles. Kirk, who isn’t dead after all, discovers that Tommy has a lot of freckles. Really, it’s like his face is orange. You’ve got to see this kid. Anyway the kids are all orphans because Hamlet, Sr. caused their parents to kill themselves from generalized anxiety disorder.  The children are some of the best actors in the series. Tommy has freckles.

7 PM Friday, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy, and Spock beam down in Northern California. They need to deflect an asteroid or something. Dr. McCoy continues to shout during even normal conversation. Kirk is murdered by peaceful natives, who do not appear to have command of their own language. A Federation inquest determines that sending the most valuable members of the command crew on away teams is a very bad idea. Will Kirk be killed more?

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy and Spock land on a planet almost identical to the Earth, save for the Roman Empire remained in power into the 20th century. Will the sexual tension between McCoy and Spock finally be resolved? Will there be an awkward reference to Christianity? Tune in to find out!

Brilliant, but bodyless beings speak as through reverb. They take over the bodies of Kirk, Spock, and Dr. Ann Mulhall. Will Kirk and Ann kiss? Will the reverb continue throughout the show? Will the captain be murdered? Can disembodied minds survive in human bodies without kissing. Specifically the bodies of Kirk and Mulhall? Will we learn of the theatrical notion of Deus ex machina? Tune in on Friday at 7 PM, Channel 5. 

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

Kirk, Uhura, and Chekov are kidnapped into slavery by multicolored disembodied brains who like to gamble on gadiatorial games. A creepy fellow who has a built-in reverb speaks instructions from the brains in stilted English. Kirk proves to the brains that they have confused humans with chimpanzees. Kirk kisses a silver bikini-clad slave woman.

Friday, 7 PM. Channel 5. 

An enormous single-celled organism threatens the crew and possibly the galaxy. Will Kirk pull a clever solution out of his butt at the last minute?  Will Scotty protest that the ship can't handle it? Will Spock risk his life for logical reasons that annoy Dr. McCoy? Tune in to find out. 

Friday, 7PM, Channel 5

Klingons have introduced flintlock rifles to the peaceful humanoids of Neural, most of whom wear ridiculous wigs. Kirk battles a giant plush toy with poison fangs. A sexy woman seduces Kirk with herbs. Will Spock recover from a pierced liver?