Excuse me so much, but John Blackthorne is large in his endowment. So sorry.
I beg your pardon, sir, but there is much discussion of pillowing. So sorry. 
I very much ask your forgiveness, but everyone wants to commit Sepuku, it would be a matter of honor.
So sorry, but I am going to elaborate extensively on historical facts in casual conversation. All day.
It is honto, so sorry.

7 PM Friday, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy, and Spock beam down in Northern California. They need to deflect an asteroid or something. Dr. McCoy continues to shout during even normal conversation. Kirk is murdered by peaceful natives, who do not appear to have command of their own language. A Federation inquest determines that sending the most valuable members of the command crew on away teams is a very bad idea. Will Kirk be killed more?

The crew of the Enterprise arrives on a planet occupied by very blond, white Clairol models. They love having sex and jogging, but if you step on their hostas, you will be put to death. Wesley steps on the hostas. Oh, and a being that the Clairol models call God gets involved. 

I think this is of the most cruelly deceptive phrases in modern advertising. Firstly, no one wants to change their diet. Secondly, exercise takes time and effort and, at least at first, is quite unpleasant. Taking a pill is ridiculously easy to do.  So essentially this advertising phrase applies to everyone with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, metabolic syndrome, adult-onset diabetes or other "lifestyle-related" diseases for which there are profitable pharmaceuticals (or "alternative" treatments, for that matter). It should really be "when diet and exercise don't seem appealing...".

To the editors, Hogwarts Today Alumni Magazine I am surprised at the indignation going around about how students from Slitherin managed to "break into" Ravenclaw without having someone tell them the answer to the Ravenclaw riddle ("Dark Magic in Ravenclaw, Slitherin students fess up" Daily Prophet, 19 September 2011). 

(I originally posted this on Facebook for Windows 7, same rules apply) Microsoft is preparing to release their next version of Windows Operating system this fall. Given the insufficient number of versions available for Windows Vista, I thought I might make some suggestions for more configurations. Everyone loves choice, so we should have more choices! This is partly inspired by the new Windows Basic edition which will purportedly restrict the number of apps one can run to 6 or something.

Friday, 7PM, Channel 5

Klingons have introduced flintlock rifles to the peaceful humanoids of Neural, most of whom wear ridiculous wigs. Kirk battles a giant plush toy with poison fangs. A sexy woman seduces Kirk with herbs. Will Spock recover from a pierced liver?

America,
I don't cry for you.
I'm tired.
I have corns,
and the unbecoming putty is showing in the gloaming of the
streetlight understudy.
Your understudies!
Your streetlights!

America,

There is a logical fallacy called the argumentum ad ignorantiam or the argument from ignorance. The essence of this fallacy is that because we don't know something to be definitively false, it must therefore be true. A good example relates to concern about the dangers of electromagnetic frequencies.

I recently heard Missouri voters rejected the insurance mandate in the new federal health care act. Perhaps the mandate is unconstitutional, but if that is the case, the right-leaning Supreme Court will overturn it. This got me to thinking however, maybe libertarianism might be the solution after all, we'd just need to make some adjustments to some of our cultural values. 

So here goes: 

When people first think of gluten-free foods they think of dishes that would have gluten-based grain, but have had it substituted with epoxy or gypsum. Or they think of rice porridge with a raisin (maybe two). Or perhaps they think of some exotic dish that makes you choke because it is made of puree of okra with xanthan gum, adzuki beans and durian wrapped in oak leaves. (And stored under the deck for 3 weeks in August). Served on a nest of undercooked quinoa.

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

The late King Hamlet of Denmark has mind control over children from United Colors of Benetton. The oldest boy is Tommy, who has many freckles. Kirk, who isn’t dead after all, discovers that Tommy has a lot of freckles. Really, it’s like his face is orange. You’ve got to see this kid. Anyway the kids are all orphans because Hamlet, Sr. caused their parents to kill themselves from generalized anxiety disorder.  The children are some of the best actors in the series. Tommy has freckles.

A recent letter to the editor in the Pioneer Press decried the proposed seatbelt law in Minnesota that would allow police to ticket someone solely on the grounds of not wearing a seatbelt as a grave assault on our liberty. The problem with this "freedom from restraint" is it doesn't take into account the responsibilities that come with freedom. 

I saw a box of tablets at the coop check-out the other day. The "active ingredient" was at a level less than the equivalent of one molecule in Lake Superior. The box proudly proclaimed: "no side effects!" How amazing! A drug that treats exactly and only the ailment for which it was indicated. This means there is a drug out there that is more effective than the immune system itself.  When you have a cold much of the drowsy, low energy feeling you get is due to your immune system combatting the illness. The virus does not cause that feeling itself, your immune system does.

After studying this issue over time I have compiled a list of dos and don'ts for maximizing the life and use of your lithium ion battery in your phone, tablet or laptop:

Oh, it seemed so clever, but as soon as I got my computer up and running, the thought fell right out of my head. So here's the query: do you know what it was?

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy and Spock land on a planet almost identical to the Earth, save for the Roman Empire remained in power into the 20th century. Will the sexual tension between McCoy and Spock finally be resolved? Will there be an awkward reference to Christianity? Tune in to find out!

Brilliant, but bodyless beings speak as through reverb. They take over the bodies of Kirk, Spock, and Dr. Ann Mulhall. Will Kirk and Ann kiss? Will the reverb continue throughout the show? Will the captain be murdered? Can disembodied minds survive in human bodies without kissing. Specifically the bodies of Kirk and Mulhall? Will we learn of the theatrical notion of Deus ex machina? Tune in on Friday at 7 PM, Channel 5. 

Yes. Thai food is healthy for you. It has all the flavonoids, antoxidants, and prevents The Cancer. It is the best for you to eat. It replenishes your vital bodily fluids and improves the purity of your esssence.  

English has stupid spelling rules. I say this as someone who has never had much trouble with spelling. What would be nice is if we made sure to honor those words that actually follow the basic rules. The most glaring example is primer. In the United States we prefer to say PRIM-mer. Perhaps this is the result of American feelings of inadequacy at being a rough and wild outpost of the British Empire some 200 years ago, so we thought PRIM-mer sounded more erudite. Well, despite their frequent mutilation of the language (i.e.